We only have one life, and this is mine...
When I moved away from most, and rarely contacted those I missed, it was thought that I no longer really wanted to stay in touch. That is the exact Opposite of what I wanted. My life has its own roller coaster attached and rarely are there any slow times to take a minute and talk to those in the outside world.
First and foremost, this is not a post to invite you to a pity party, it is just life, and this is what I have accepted my world to consist of.
Every morning I wake up and it is as if I am boarding a new ride, never the same as the day before, usually as long and many ups and downs throughout the day.
To sum up the last 17 years...
My oldest (Tayler) was born the year I turned 18 (1997) , I immediately turned around and married her father.
The next year, my husband lost his job, so I hopped aboard the job train, and in the spring of the following year (1999) I had our second daughter (Kennedy). Deciding that it was time to go back to school, we moved... Creating baby number 3 (CARTER) (2000).
Deciding that we wanted more children we had our 4th (Reagan) (2001). Never realizing that the world could be so harsh, she died less than a month later. The following spring (2002) still not able to handle the familiarity of living where Reagan lived and died we again moved, not realizing that our plans were not well thought out, we returned to Onaway to regroup until we could move back to North Carolina. Later that year we had a miscarriage.
Then I ended up Pregnant with Grant (2003), which put me on months of bed rest, delivering him early left both of us worst for wear, me ending up not doing so well, him in the NICU for quite a long time. It took time, but we were fine. That summer, Billy broke his ankle right after we had returned from the hospital with Grant. Making an even more memorable year
We started finalizing plans to move back to NC (2004) and also there was Harry. Harry also spent some time in the NICU, his was for sleep apnea. Which put him on a monitor for the next two year and put us on a lack of sleep during that time.
Two years later (2006) , I had decided I wanted out of the food business, went into banking, Billy decided to manage a movie theater. Neither worked out to our favor - Billy being shot at in 2007. 2008 we returned to the restaurant world, and there came Jackson.
The restaurant could not survive the fallen economy, after the fire, we pack up what we had left to search for a new career, ended up all over the US, settling in FL 2010.
Billy managing a restaurant did not last long, he was first diagnosed with MS. Not being able to work for a very long time, we lost his job, I went back into banking (2011-2012).
Life started to fall in to place - I got into Disney (2012) then Billy did. We worked our way around the company.
This is year, I fell in a pot hole, 2nd knee surgery, then 3rd. Billy MS got drastically worst. Jack was diagnosed with ADHD, no surprise to anyone that spent more than 5 minutes with him.
Summer began, I slipped and split my arm, the doctor stitched it shut, gauze included. I had countless surgeries on my arm, the kept saying it was the only way to save it, I began to think the doctor was just trying to make a picture. . . I now have what I think looks like a hook slice on my arm, that still is not healed.
We have been robbed, numerous times this year, and most recently Carter was attacked, trying to protect his little brother...
So, yes I have not gotten around to keep in touch, things have been what they are, and we have learned to roll with the punches - and to keep on trucking...
I would like to tell you the pain would stop.
I would like to wipe the tears that fall.
I would like to tell you your heart will heal.
But there is nothing to make the pain dual.
That little angel here for too short of a time
Left a mark in your heart and memories in your mind
Tomorrow, the next day, year after years.
I would like to tell you it will stop just to be kind.
But the pain is there not quite as sharp all the time
eventually like all wounds it will not be as strong
turning the tears into laughter, a little at a time
does not make you less loving nor make you wrong.
We all have one life to live.
whether we suffer through
Live vicariously, make their life mean more
Live for your little one too.
A Moment to think
God I miss my baby
10 years she has been dead
I slowly forget the memories.
They are fading from my head.
My heart still feels broken.
My wounds - they do not heal
My child no longer living
A lifetime she does not feel.
It was not fair to take her
A life she will not live.
I want to have her back
What cost would I have to give?
No one really speaks of her
It is if no one cares.
If no one mentions my baby
Maybe no pain will be there?
Place aside all the logic and Reason
For A moment just lie to me
Please tell me my baby is not gone forever
Forever, is too long for this to be.
This is the poem that I wrote for Reagan's 9 anniversary of her Funeral...
Warmth and comfort I remember that night.
I thought you were cold when we turned off the light.
I added a blanket to cover you up.
And then in the morning- you did not wake up.
I picked you up and listened for a beat
When holding you close, I did not feel heat.
I breathed a breath into your lungs
Thinking your gone and completely too young
The ambulance came to try their best
Unfortunately for us, you had already left.
We went to the hospital waiting for you
After a while they told us they were through
You had left us, cold and sad
Seeing you on that table made me very mad
The day was gone with no future in sight
All alone on that first teary night.
God, you took our baby away,
I think of her often, if not every day
We move forward, missing you dear
Remembering eventually we will have you near.
A Shimmer of sun light
A shimmer of sun light on an over cast day
A crack in the clouds that lead you away.
Snow and sleet sorrow we feel
Saying good bye, hoping time will heel.
Tomorrow, the next day, and even the near year
Gave me nothing but anger and fear.
Five years, seven and then ten,
I finally realize that time does not mend
Vacancy and heart ache are stowed at bay
Anger and bitterness are here to stay.
Side by side step by step
Through the path we go
Up and down through this life
The distance we'll never know
Adventures, disasters, Emotions
Everything we pass
Change of heart we never know
Our love forever last
Together is our safety net
A crutch if you may
We stand up for each other
Keeping the storms at bay
There are snags,
Bad days do try their best
But our love for each other
guides us through each mess
Our paths hit cross roads
We make a plan
We go through our life
Holding each other’s hands