For those of you that follow me regularly, I am sorry it has been so long since I have updated my site.  Life has been very hectic!  
I received a wonderful promotion from work, while it is only a temporary position, I hope that it will work out to be more!  
We have also been enjoying the company of both Billy's and one of my sister's families.  This has help to remind us that living here can have family too!  
While they did all go home, I am grateful for the time I had with them.  Each memory is unique.

“Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.” 
― Laura Ingalls Wilder


 This year has flown by, I can not believe that it is November already, and that people have Christmas trees and lights up already.  My kids are already starting to watching the Christmas movies.  

I remember back to when I was a child, and how I loved to go to Grandma's house on Christmas eve to celebrate Christmas with the Root's.  I used to love hearing all the stories from everyone and how life used to be, and what they used to do to celebrate, all of the traditions that had come and gone.  I remember that when we would get ready to leave Grandma's, Grandpa Root would always give us Snicker bars out of the fridge after our parents told us that we could not have them.  To this day I always remember Grandpa whenever I eat a cold snickers, and smile at the wonderful memories I had with Grandpa.  

I remember how much I used to love Christmas, how we would all get up and sit around the tree and dad would get a fire going in the fire place.  I remember the year that all the legos showed up, and still to this day I have no idea where all those boxes come from.  I remember all the favorite toys thru time- Optimus Prime, My little Ponies, Strawberry Shortcake, and of course Barbie.  

I remember my first Christmas without my dad, mom took Julie and I to Florida, Disney World and Chinese.  
I remember Tayler, Kennedy and Carter's first few Christmases, and how great they were, and then Reagan died and Christmas was just so hard to make happy.  This was the turning point in Christmases for me.  I no longer waited all year for this special day. I did not care if there was a tree or lights.  I did not go places to see decorations, My Christmas spirit was gone.  How can I carry on and enjoy events like Christmas when my daughter could not.  

I dread Christmas each year.  Billy and I were fighting over who got to be scrooge this year, since it is always me.  I try so hard to make it great for my kids, but I feel like every year I epicily fail more than the previous year.  Every year Billy has to remind me of how great Christmas was for us as kids and that is what we need to do for them, I agree- but it is so hard for me to get into the spirit.  I just hate getting out the tree and putting up lights.  Last year I had to do it without Billy, and I was so frustrated with decorating.  

Then there is that ever more depressing thing about Christmas, it is too expensive.  How do you make Christmas affordable?  I try each year to come up with ideas to make it work, but nothing has ever really stuck as being a great idea.  We did switch the kids to playing a Christmas game with each other and only buying one gift instead of each one buying for each other.  That way when they get older they do not feel that they have to buy for each other.  I always try to reinforce that Christmas is not about presents, and what it really should be about.  

I went to Hollywood studios the other night with the kids to show them the lights, and when they turned on and then the snow machines turned on, I got the urge suddenly to decorate, but that did not last.  And now I am back to my scrooge ways of thinking.  

I always fall back on the impossible thinking of Reagan, and what if she was still alive to enjoy Christmas, but she is not, and life is so crazy at times, it takes all I have to move forward this time of year.  I know life will move on, it always does, and it always will.  I love hearing how time can mend, yes and no, it has but then in a moment I am left as heartbroken as the day she died.  

With my loss, I did learn to love greater, and to make the memories brighter, so even on the dimmest day they still shine and are that much easier to hold on to.  Days like to day those memories help me remember why I need to pull my chin up and get excited for Christmas, so that my kids will have fond memories when they grow up.    

 

I promised myself on Reagan's birthday this year I was not going to cry, and while I tried very hard, I failed to do so.  This year Billy and I celebrated her birthday the way we thought that an 11 year old would love to celebrate.  So of course we celebrated her birthday at Disney.  We spent the day having a wonderful time in her honor.  Jack spent the day with us soaking up all the attention that would have been Reagan's, I think he thought we were spoiling him.  
That night we had cake as we normally had, but for the first time we did not have angel food cake, this year we had a cookie cake, and we all sang her happy birthday.  Tayler may be the only kid that truly remembers Reagan.  As time passes it seems that her life was shorter and shorter, and that less people knew her, and even fewer felt the impact that her life had on them.  
Reagan's life leaves an impact on my family, for Billy and I it is the void of her not being here, not being able to watch her personality develop or see what a great kids she could have been.  For Tayler, Kennedy and Carter she was that  little sister that they never got to protect or teach life's lessons to.  For Grant, Harry and JJ she is just a picture of someone they never knew, but were supposed to love, because she was their sister.  
I always try to imagine what she would look like as each year passes, would she have had the same color hair as the others, hard to imagine, but the other six share the same color, so her's would probably be so too.  Would her eyes have changed from blue to brown like the others, or would she have been my only blue eyed little one.  Would she be tall like Tayler, or short like Grant?  All of these possibilities, but never an answer.  
I never really question the idea of her life and death anymore, because after 11 years it has sank in as being the way life is, some times long, some times short, but never ours to decide.  I do still question why us, why were we given her for such as short time, and what did I ever do to deserve for my child to die.  
I have lost many of the memories that I had from those short days, most things now remembered are like pictures in my mind, but I wonder how long I will remember those.  I worry that eventually all I will have left of her are the photos in the albums.  I hold on to what I can of her life, I hold on to a shoe that Carter wore to her funeral, I lost the other thru the years, but that one shoe I can not part with because it was there, and despite it being one of the worst days of my life it was a day centered around her.  I still remember the day after her funeral, and driving back to Mount Pleasant.  I unloaded all the flowers we had received on the counter and thought about how beautiful they were, but how sad I would be because they would die too.  Of course they did and then I was left with nothing but dried up petals, all the beauty had gone.  
I have walked away with some good from her death, I hug my kids twice as hard, I worry about them twice as much and I am thankful for them that much more, because I want them to know I love them and I worry every day that each moment could be the last.

The joys of having six children, there is always some child in a bad mood.  Today it seems as if Kennedy is the odd one out.  Once again they are switching rooms- yes we just did this last month, and I have come to the conclusion- Carter does not get along with anyone in his room!  Three months ago it was Carter, Harry and Grant in a room, Tayler and Kennedy sharing another.  Two months ago it was Carter and Tayler, and in the other room Grant, Harry & Kennedy, Last month it was Carter & Kennedy in one and the other had Tayler, Grant & Harry.  Today it is switching back to the boys in one, the girls in the other...  WOW!  Can you believe that I am counting down the days until the kids return to school? 25.  Sadly though I was using the calendar from last year when I started counting down, it was depressing to find out other wise.  

The kids started playing a new game on Facebook- which gets everyone involved, so I checked it out.  It is called The Ville.  The game is not that bad expect they want everyone in a relationship with someone else.  First off Carter decided to build Grants account, and he made him a girl, the problem, you can not switch the gender once the game starts, so I had to get a hold of Zynga to reset the account, they did.  Then I see that Carter bought a full size bed on the game, it wants him to make Whoopee on it-  are you kidding me?  I told him he had to sell the full size bed and could only have a twin.  Now on the game it wants me to ask someone out, so I created an account for Billy so that I could ask him out- I felt it was wrong with being married for 15 years to "ask someone else out".

Is it bed time yet?  Tomorrow I am going to wake up and no one is going to fight all day!!!  

The school district sent me a letter today regarding the grade that the middle school (Carter & Kennedy's School) received for the last year- It was an F.  After talking to my mother, Jim and sister who all have been educators for years, we came to the conclusion to take the district up on their offer and change Carter & Kennedy's school at the district expense for busing.  But Julie brought up a good idea, finding out why they received the grade they got...
The grades are based on the states scale issued on the merit that the students receive during the end of year FCAT exams or assessments.  I flipped through many of the schools in the district to find that from the ones that posted scores over a 1/3 were not passing. I think the problem exist at a higher level.  This also leads me to believe that the educational problem in this country is much bigger than we thought too.  What I am saying is that , if one class was doing poor, you would blame the teacher, which in a way may be no fault of their own, just the circumstances.  If a school is doing poor you would blame that school, same thing there, the school may have poor scores but when you look at the whole situation, it may very well be a bigger problem.  The districts are allowed to have children opt out of their local school and go to a better school, school of choice.  The problem is, when you have this many schools doing bad, it can not be the schools fault, and especially not the teacher, it becomes a districts fault, or even more so the states fault- or is it the fault of the no child left behind act?  
I see the section on Teacher Quality in the Act, but the educational problems stem much further, why are we singling out the teacher for their quality?  My two cents for the moment, fix the educational programs for the children, we might fix our future economic problems!

I listened to what I was told about my debate on forgiveness, and I do see Jamie's point as to maybe I have not let it go, but I have decided to let it go, I am done with the frustration as to what people do and say affecting me.  I am going to cut those from my life as Jenn suggested.  I want to move on, and I want to let go of the past.  I need to.

But it falls back on how do you close that volcano that has been erupting for years, and tell it to simmer down because it no longer is a part of your life?  Do you tell the other party?  Or just forget and move forth, because that really is not forgiving.
And more over, how do I just cut free those I can not forgive?   I am ready to move on with my life, just need to tie up the loose ends.